when Radiohead met Dear Abby

unexpected advice from OK Computer

My wife¹ reminds me every chance she can get that I suffer from man’s greatest weakness: nostalgia. She’s half right: while I am prone to bouts of nostalgia, it’s actually man’s second greatest weakness according to Dwight K. Schrute. The neck is number one. Wu-Tang Clan would concur.

Causing a present-day pang for the past, I came across my Case Logic CD Wallet containing Mix CDs and 32 CDRs, some 24 years old, filled with old MP3 files from college. Disc 19 contains Radiohead’s Live at the 10 Spot show from the late nineties on MTV when it still stood for “Music Television” and not “Malodorous Turd Videos”.

Over the course of four years and three months, Radiohead released three albums: Pablo Honey in ‘93, The Bends in ‘95 and OK Computer in ‘97². When released over 26 years ago (!), OK Computer earned a spot in my All-Time Top 5 where it remains today. I remember watching Paranoid Android back when MTV still played music videos. I recall watching their documentary, Meeting People is Easy, bought at the Maine Mall while on a beach vacation in Scarborough with family friends, Thom Yorke mouthing the words to No Surprises while trying to hold his breath as his helmet fills with water.

An oft-discussed track while somehow also feeling neglected - its track name noted in the tiniest of fonts in their 2007 OKNOTOK Vinyl Box Set - Fitter Happier, in some ways feels more relevant today than 1997. The text-to-voice lyrics spoken by Apple’s “Fred”, the sinister seventh song sandwiched between Karma Police and the politically-charged Electioneering was, as Ed Biggs put it, Mr. Yorke’s screed against

technology, conformity, creeping fascism, emotional emptiness, pragmatism over idealism…essentially, the invisible, unseen power structures in Western society.

Trust me, fitter happier is there, under the red OK COMPUTER.

Seen through the eyes of an alternative 2023 release date, OK Computer’s main villains today would have likely been the same plus Artificial Intelligence and Large Language Models. But that’s not why it feels so contemporary. Fitter Happier matters today because once you strip away the dystopian soundscape it becomes a Dear Abby for the soon-to-be-mid-forties man.³ Don’t believe me? Let’s take a closer look.

Fitter happier

Mood (happier) follows action (getting fitter). Belaboring the point, I’ve written about this here, and here, and here.

More productive

We’re not talking about “life hacks” here, gentleman. We’re talking about making your bed and embracing the process.

Comfortable

While I counter that growth happens when one is uncomfortable (building muscles, overcoming a fear, new jobs, donning delightfully dyed duds), you have to know how its opposite feels. Best done in Tracksmith sweatpants.

Not drinking too much

Or at all. I’m coming up on four years without alcohol. No regrets.

Regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)

How does Fred intend for us to get fitter as he croaked in the opening line? By adding weights to cardio work, preferably in the company of others.

Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries

Some of my greatest friendships were made at work. I had a dream last night about one of those friends I haven’t seen in years. We were in my hometown, driving down my old street when he said “these look like lasagna houses, someplace where the scent of home-cooked pasta welcomes you.” I should call him.

At ease

At ease⁴ with boredom. With whom you are. As opposed to a tease to whom you are with.

Eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)

Standard fare⁵ when it comes to advice. Also, the microwave was intended to make the oven obsolete; instead we use it to reheat McDonald’s from GrubHub that arrives cold after being delivered by someone making less than the workers who cooked it.

A patient, better driver

As opposed to an inpatient, battered driver. Not to get all “back in my day”, people sure are shitty drivers out there. No one knows how to pay attention to their family at dinner, let alone behind the wheel of a 2-ton vehicle going 20 MPH over the limit while blowing through every stop light and sign.

A safer car (baby smiling in back seat)

Maybe don’t throw the baby’s safety out with the car seat because you had a misguided goal to make a cheap, light car.

Sleeping well (no bad dreams)

This may be the best advice in the entire song as will be evident shortly. Warren Zevon must have been trying to few bad dreams - perhaps about Werewolves of London - when he sang “you can sleep when you’re dead”. Speaking of bad dreams, I had one last night. My wife woke me up when my breathing became rapid and I started screaming - I was being chased by a ghostly figure. Happened right before the lasagna house dream. From ghouls to Garfield.

No paranoia

Harvey Danger also warned of paranoia and everybody coming to get him. Best to avoid, this being less advice and more an ideal state of being. One way to avoid paranoia? See: previous line on sleep.

Careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)

I was vegan - a.k.a. “careful to all animals” - for four years, and as mentioned in a prior newsletter, I told everyone about it, and got used to knowing the answer to “but where do you get your protein?”,⁶ and I’m telling you all again now. My blood work was never better. Also, my kids hate bugs, spiders eat bugs, ipso facto my kids never wash spiders down the drain.

Keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)

Old friends can connect you to new friends from whom you may learn something. Old friends can hold you accountable. We’re getting a small group of guys together a week from today around a morning fire (tea - or coffee - time, 5:00 am). No set agenda, no cell phones, any man welcome. We also have something else in store in November. Just show up.

Will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall)

Unlike what we’ve been told, checking your credit is a not something that ruins your credit score. And that parenthetical “moral” gives this advice bigger meaning as it seems to imply that it’s ok for your morals to wax and wane so long as you check in with yourself. I’m reminded of that scene in Home Alone 2 where Kevin is asked if he ever gets in trouble. We all do. The key is to check if your moral compass still faces north.

Favours for favours

Must be the Queen’s, er, King’s, English variant of “I scratch your back, you scratch mine.” Note that this is not “an eye for an eye”. This is only doing good for other do gooders. I can get on board with that.

Fond but not in love

Some men are “in love” with other men. That’s a great thing. But too many men don’t tell other men they love them. I’ve recently taken to telling my close friends I love them. Sit with the awkwardness.

Charity standing orders

This one had me stumped so I looked up “standing orders”. It is either i) a type of purchase order that opens an account for a type of service to be completed or ii) a healthcare directive that allows those who are not doctors to do something without a doctor’s order. So we’re either talking about a standing charity tithing that gives you something like a PBS tote bag, or getting free immunizations delivered by a nurse. Both are good reminders to give back to others and to follow doctors’ ordered non-doctor’s orders.

On Sundays ring road supermarket

We don’t really have ring roads here in the US like they do in the UK, but I believe the implication is that it’s a large supermarket. I guess the equivalent would be a Sunday run to Wegman’s, which is something I can get behind.

(No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)

But yes to killing Spotted Lanternflies, of whom my youngest just excitedly told me she “killed one hundred of them”.

Car wash (also on Sundays)

They say getting a car washed regularly preserves its value and extends longevity. They are from Long Island.

No longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows

I wasn’t afraid of the dark as a kid; I was of the Nickelodeon show Are You Afraid of the Dark? I was also afraid of having my lower half uncovered while I slept, especially my feet. One must push past his fears.

Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate Nothing so childish

Let’s take these two lines together. We recently added a parenting-up channel to our Slack group at the suggestion of a member. It’s a good reminder that as we age, we are no longer children. Even when we don’t have kids ourselves, we become parents to those who parented us.⁷ For example, we discussed how there should not just be a lower age limit for the internet (18) but also an upper bound. We thought that 64 made sense but it’s moved its way down to 40.

At a better pace

Better does not mean faster. It means savoring the time you have. Most of the miles a top marathoner runs are at a Zone 2 pace. Stay medium.

Slower and more calculated

You’re likely running those Zone 2 runs too fast. Slow down. Count your heart rate for the next 15 seconds and multiply by four.

No chance of escape

Not going to lie, this sounds like a some of the chatter in our Slack group and texts with friends lately regarding work, among other things. But we don’t talk about that here. Because of the first rule.⁸

Now self-employed

As my brother tells me, there’s something to be said for working for yourself. Your boss may still be an asshole.

Concerned (but powerless)

Powerlessness is vulnerability. If you’re concerned about something, but are unable to act or influence, ask for help. Who avoids asking for help? Me(n).

An empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)

So much to unpack here. I have thoughts. Best to leave this for a post of its own.

Will not cry in public

I stand with Andy Bernard on this and say that I can just sit here and cry about it. Liable to wear it as a shirt of armor, too.

Less chance of illness

One way to boost your immune system? You guessed it: Sleep.

Tyres that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat)

Safety first. Simple enough.

A good memory

Not really advice, something to foster. How? The folks at Mayo Clinic would point us back to the above: Regular exercise at the gym (three days a week), eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats), sleeping well (no bad dreams), making sure you keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then).

Still cries at a good film

But not in a movie theater, because that would be in public. Also, I would recommend a challenge: finding a book that makes you cry, something Fredrick Backman has managed to make me two in both of his books I’ve read.

Still kisses with saliva

Adults should kiss more while avoiding cottonmouth. How do you prevent cottonmouth? You guessed it: Sleep.

No longer empty and frantic

More a statement on the importance of having friends to avoid being frantic. Seven year’s before OK Computer was released (my dad in his mid-forties), 55% of men had 6 or more close friends; as I approach my mid-forties that number has halved to 27%. Worse: the percent of men with no close friends went from 3% to 15%. This may be more fucked up than that pig in a cage on antibiotics.

Like a cat
Tied to a stick
That's driven into
Frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness)

These four lines seem to go together, but don’t seem too helpful. It’s mulligan everything but the first line and the part between the brackets. Cats have nine lives and also land on their feet; it’s alright to fail - nine times max - and you’ll always land on your feet. Think those failures are signs of weakness? Guffaw.

Calm

As a noun, a state of being to attain; as a verb, to settle (down). One way to settle down? Stop trying to make so many decisions.

Fitter, healthier and more productive

Note the change from “happier” to “healthier” from the first line.

A pig
In a cage
On antibiotics

Unless someone has a way to take this as advice, let’s just cut these lines like we cut back on our use of antibiotics to fight viruses. It doesn’t work and it makes things worse when you actually need it.

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With the above in mind, give it a listen.

In less than two minutes, almost all of the advice found here at project kathekon could have been obtained by listening - deeply - to the lyrics of fitter happier. Now let’s cue the Exit Music.⁹

1. Happy Birthday!

2. Ironically, none were released On a Friday.

3. Officially starts six months from tomorrow when I turn 43.

4. One of the original Radioehead fan websites I frequented was AT EASE WEB.

5. Sorry, I just couldn’t avoid this pun. It was a tasty morsel right on the tip of my tongue.

6. A combination of beans, hummus, and nuts.

7. See, also: Harry Chapin for a song to make every father and son cry.

8. It’s the same as the second rule.

9. (For a Film), ironically OK Computer’s fourth track of 12.