running with daughters
an alternate take on what it means to be a father
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We find ourselves midway through June. The official start to summer; the longer, hotter days juxtaposed with unsustainable levels of air conditioning; the end-of-school excitement, followed by dread when one remembers that summers rarely, if ever, live up to expectations (but this one will be different, I promise). And Father’s Day.1
Kevin at The New Fatherhood recently asked what one’s “dream Father’s Day looks like?” While you can find my take, and others’, there, it got me thinking about what it means to be a father. The continuous education, albeit with sporadic results; the discipline, with varying levels of success. The importance of joy and unconditional love. When I became a father, I knew that part of my role was to instill, provide, implement and administer all of these. I didn’t know that I would personally experience all of these from my daughters.
Back in April, Brandon shared some lessons from fatherhood he learned during his first year as a dad. With more time under my belt, I’m going to revisit the topic through three lenses: running with daughters, swimming with daughters, and living with daughters.
running with daughters
I mentioned in an earlier newsletter how my youngest, after my run streak was well into 500+ days, asked if she could go for a run with me. Though completely unprompted by me directly, the daily runs were absolutely an indirect encouragement for her to join me.
Kids, like adults, are individuals - treat them as such. That first mile run, alone with “by-the-sea”, reinforced how important it is to carve out time for each child, how kids open up more when they have your undivided attention, and how that creates a kind of healthy jealousy between sisters to want to get alone time with dad. Sure enough, when we got back from that first run, “Apple’s new macOS name” asked if she could go for a run. Wild guess as to what I said. A few weeks later, when the older one was acting a bit uncouth, I jumped at the chance to go for a run with the youngest when she asked if she could go for another one. This need for individual relationships with my daughters was a strong reminder that I need to spend more time with my wife - alone.
Kids, though easily distracted, can be completely present. During our runs together, I noticed my kids noticing. They saw how I ran; they tried to mimic how I held my hands and how I breathed. They saw their breath and asked if what they were feeling in their lungs was okay and whether it would get easier (yes and yes). I was reminded to take every run, step and breath, as a single entity. To be present. To simply enjoy.
Discipline begets discipline. I’ve talked before about the concept of how streaks multiply. How one good habit leads to another. And that was no different with my kids. While running together is still a rare occurrence - I refuse to be that parent who pushes kids too early towards any one thing - it was the start of something more. The girls learned that being physically active is important to me, and it can be fun. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that my daughter asked me to buy her a pair of dumbbells (just 1-lb - again, I’m not that kind of parent) during this month’s 10,001 bicep curls challenge. So now, I have a workout buddy doing a few reps with me in the mornings.
swimming with daughters
Last summer, with travel curtailed, my wife took the girls to a local hotel with a pool as a way to give the girls a dose of summer in a safe and relatively inexpensive way. With things opening up, we had the chance to join a local pool.
Kids are also a unit. Your kids need time as a unit, both in an unstructured play sort of way, as well as just with you or your partner. I can’t profess to know what it’s like to be a single parent or what it’s like to be part of a family where one has to play zone defense, but the time to play-act like a single dad with two kids for a few hours at a time provides a deeper sense of collaboration. My wife’s “no boys allowed” trips are here way of cultivating this; my brunches with the girls to allow my wife some quiet time are mine. After one such brunch, the bill arrived from our waitress with a simple, powerful note: “You’re a great dad!” I carry this in my wallet as a reminder and to challenge myself to retain that title.
The importance of joy. When was the last time you said “wee” with no trace of irony, derision or mocking? I did it last weekend, going down a water slide, at the behest of my daughter. Some things are way more fun at 40 than they should be.
Don’t let bad weather ruin your day. One of the things many of us lose from childhood is the complete lack of regard for the weather. Despite my obsession with the Weather Channel as a kid, the day’s weather rarely put a damper (pun intended) on my plans. On a recent Wednesday afternoon, with the temperature a crisp 64 degrees, clouds like a London winter, and a smack of rain, we ventured to the pool for a swim. My daughter made up a water slide line of one, which she took full advantage of with multiple trips. After completing a round, she made her way to the side of the pool, dove underwater, pushed off from the bottom out of the pool with her hands raised saying:
I love my life. I love it! I love life!
If somehow the pool closed tomorrow for the season, it would have been worth the investment just to see that.2
living with daughters
I grew up in a house with a brother, in a neighborhood of mostly boys, where the only females around were our moms and babysitters.3 Living with my wife, the two girls, the (female) cat and (female) guinea pigs, has me making up for lost time.
Life is too short for American cheese.4 When I was a kid, I was a very picky eater. Iceberg lettuce, vinegar and four to five glasses of milk was my dinner on more nights than I could count, not for lack of trying from my parents. Our kids? Their sandwiches are filled provolone and pepper jack cheese. Because they were willing to try it.
Confidence is a super power. I was a shy, sensitive child, who could not stand asking an adult for anything. If my parents told me I could get a popsicle at the beach snack stand, but only if I went up and asked myself, I’d spend my afternoon without a cool treat. “By the sea” recently had a play date with a friend from school. While there, she asked if she could stay for dinner and convinced her friend’s parents to invite our whole family to come over for dinner. We ended up having a great meal with some new friends, all because our littlest asked for what she wanted. So be confident and ask; you rarely get that for which you don’t ask.
A new version of Jerbren. It wasn’t uncommon growing up for my parents to call my brother and I by each other’s name. Slightly more common was the combination names of Jerbren and Brenjer, catching themselves with a mid-name audible. It annoyed both of us, just like I know it annoys my kids when I do the same. What it boils down to is an all-too-common lack of being present. It has also taught me to be kinder to myself and to own my mistakes.
Quit phubbing. Reagan had his nine words about the government that you never want to hear; there are nine that you never want to hear from your kids: “Dad, there is no using your phone during dinner!”. Unlike Reagan’s words, 100% of them first spoken by my oldest are true, honest and needed. We can all work to be more present with each other. I’ve taken my daughter’s words to heart and taken steps to break up with my phone by starting Catherine Price’s 30-day plan:5 today, day 14, is the day to Stop Phubbing (a portmanteau of phone and snubbing). Taking a concept David Goggins talks about, but removing swearing and yelling, kids can act as a great accountability mirror for one’s own behaviors.
Not everything you learn to do is for you. Case in point: how to make a braid. As a bald man, this is a completely unnecessary skill for me to have. But as a father of two girls? Vital. The joy I feel when one of my girls asks me to do their hair takes on a bit of comedic irony when the question occurs in front of their mom.
Humor and sarcasm make us better humans. I took things way too seriously as a kid. I see that in my own kids, especially with the increased pressures they face to succeed. Which makes humor, and sarcasm in particular, even more vital to not take everything so seriously. To illustrate: jumping out behind a wall to scare one’s kids is an easy way to lead to laughs (the scarer), tears (the scaree) and hugs (both); your wife and kids observing that you speak in JSL6 reminded me to be aware of how we all have our idiosyncrasies and humor can help humanize them; a perfectly landed dad joke can turn any bad day into a win.
Education, discipline, joy and love. As a father, I expected all of these. What shocked me was how quickly the shoe was on the other foot. Learning from, or re-learning what we forgot as, kids, continues to surprise me daily. Being accountable to your kids, yourself and being willing to admit when you screwed up. The joy of seeing your kids reflecting your best features; the unconditional love you need to give to oneself when you see your not-so-good traits reflected back at you. All while running, swimming, and living with daughters.
Here’s looking at you, kid.
As I wrote this week’s newsletter, I kept asking myself: what did I as a son teach my parents? Did I make my elders look at things differently?
My homework assignment this week is the right combination of simple and difficult: ask them. I look forward to sharing the results. Care to join me?
Why not have a fatherly figure sign up and join the discussion while you’re at it?
in case you missed it
Let’s have a look at what’s been happening at project kathekon:
A big thank you to Daniel Hill.
Last Monday, we launched our first reader/writer edition of project kathekon, with Daniel Hill sharing his take on comparison, in what he dubs, the enemy of happiness. I know I caught myself making comparisons throughout the week, and his recommendation about assessing one’s life choices helped. Andrew also shared his perspective on the topic in the comments:
I think about comparison a lot and how toxic it can be. I'm 30 years old and everyone in friend group is starting to hit their career strides. I sometimes wonder, "How do I stack up?"
This quote from Naval Ravikant resonated with me, and I hope it will for you too. "Sing the song that only you can sing, write the book that only you can write, build the product that only you can build, live the life that only you can live."
We look forwarding to welcoming your voice to project kathekon. Drop us a note to express your interest.
Books, Jerry. They read books.
We recently introduced project kathekon’s book barter service. We’re still waiting for our first offeree and our second offerror. The first book on offer is Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy.
Already read it? Feel free to let others know in the comments what you think. Have a book to share?
Another month, another 10thousand1 challenge.
We’re almost at the halfway point for June, and I’m already falling off the pace for 10,001 bicep curls, which is this month’s challenge. Why not join up for the second half and set a goal of 5,000.5 curls? There’s even talk in the chat about a 3am workout.
You can learn more here, or just join us.
We have more in store for you. Until then, we encourage you to share.
Now, back to the water slides.
Yet another calendar reference? How novel.
And as I learned yesterday while writing this, even a pool closure due to a Baby Ruth ending up in the pool, on a clouding-over-almost-raining-ok-yeah-it’s-now-raining day can still lead to smiles.
This is not meant as derision, merely a statement of fact.
“A flap of reduced and dyed milk paste” as Mark Bittman puts it.
As an affiliate of Bookshop.org (read: they are not Amazon), project kathekon will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. You’ll also help a local independent bookstore in your community.
Jeremy Sign Language. I have a tendency to talk with my hands.
The girls running with you reminded me of this quote - “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” Well done!
From you, and your brother, I learned what total honesty and true character are. I also saw what setting a goal and making it happen looked like.