the enemy of happiness

and what to do about it

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Community. That is the heart of what project kathekon strives to provide. The weekly newsletter and its comments; the mutual accountability and encouragement found in 10thousand1; the shared reading experience of the book barter service. Today, we add another way to be part of the community: putting one of you in the driver’s seat¹ as a writer.

Meet Daniel Hill. Daniel is a Product Manager focused on products that get and hold people's attention. You can find him on Instagram or Twitter @danielhillmedia or listen to his podcast "The Instagram Stories" on Spotify, Apple Music, Google, or Amazon Alexa.

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By Daniel Hill

I'm 41 years old. When I look in the mirror, I see how much gray hair I have, and how unmuscular I am. I intensely dislike those things about myself. I promised myself I'd have abs before I die, and to date I've not seen any progress.

Why do I think being gray and unmuscular is so bad? It's not as if I'm regularly coming into contact with shirtless men who look better than me as I go about my day. It's not like I'm constantly bumping into Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling while I'm stuck home in quarantine. In theory, I was attractive enough to get my wife to agree to marry me, so I'm aware that counts for something.

I can boil my major life issues down to one simple word. Comparison.

Everything in life is compared to everything else. I compare myself to others all the time, wondering what they know that I don't. What did they learn because they went to a different school?  I wonder if their job or hobbies provide them more fulfillment than my work and hobbies do.  If I found a different job, would I feel more fulfilled?  It's like a pro and cons list, except for life - what pluses do they have, and what pluses do I have? 

At the core of my being, I know that comparison is stupid, but I can't help doing it. There's no level playing field with comparing, and no clear winners. Someone might have a great job with an amazing work-life balance, until a global pandemic or a financial recession hits, or some other major life change no one saw coming.

Recently, I was driving on the highway when I saw an amazing car. It was a Mercedes 4 door AMG that was completely matte. And it was being driven by 4 gorgeous women that could not possibly have been over the age of 19, all holding Starbucks cups. They looked like they had just left filming at a Tiktok influencer event.

this isn’t exactly what it looked like, but you get the idea

In that moment, I was instantly annoyed.

Here was my thought process, in the order that my brain produced those thoughts. 

1. These women could clearly not afford this car.

2. Someone must have a rich father.

3. They were probably going to coast through life on their looks.

4. They were at school studying something that wouldn’t provide them a real skill.

5. They all probably had way more followers than me, simply because they were attractive, female, and in possession of this car. 

6. My own car may not be a luxury vehicle, but at least I have something I worked hard for.

I knew it was ridiculous to compare myself to these women. I’m positive they hadn’t given me a second thought.  But, in my own head, I needed to prove to myself why I was better than they were.

Here’s the problem with that. It’s unnecessary. Why compare myself to someone else? We all have different circumstances, opportunities, and situations.

Dan Ariely, in his book Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions², talks a lot about how comparisons make our lives easier.  For instance, to find out if I liked a movie I just watched, I compare it with other movies I’ve seen recently, especially from the same genre. This helps us make decisions and form opinions more quickly. Comparing how I felt after watching "Wandavision" with how I felt after watching "Falcon and the Winter Soldier" is a perfect example. But Dan Ariely says specifically that “jealousy and envy come from comparing our lot in life with others”. He goes on to point out that by our very nature, we are wired to compare ourselves with others. This does make me feel a bit better.

There was an American journalist and editor named H. L. Mencken who is quoted as saying:

A man’s satisfaction with his salary depends on whether he makes more than his wife’s sister’s husband.

Why? No doubt because Mencken’s wife could easily compare notes with her sister regarding their mates’ earnings.

Want to be happier? Do these things.

1. When you see people who have more than you, recognize that you’re going to have negative thoughts.

2. Instead of going through the process of those negative thoughts, think about the choices you’ve made in life and what you have.

3. Think about those choices carefully. Do you regret any of them?

4. Remind yourself that those choices have made you who you are.

5. Tell yourself that you’re happy with who you are, regardless of what anyone else has.

In the beginning, this process will feel cumbersome, awkward and a little silly. After a little while though, you won’t even notice that you’re doing it. Until you stop. And your brain starts producing those comparison thoughts again.  But now you’ll know what to do next.

What do you find yourself doing when you’re comparing yourself to someone else? How do you stop that thought from bothering you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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Let’s hear it for Daniel sharing his perspective. If you’d also like to step forward, simply reply to this email and we’ll put you on the clock.

in case you missed it

Let’s have a look at what’s new at project kathekon:

Books, Jerry. They read books.

We recently introduced project kathekon’s book barter service. Think of it like a place to barter books like fans of Phish and the Dead traded tapes. Daniel (also today’s author) raised a good point in the comments, which we will consider:

Love this concept but I'm way too deep in ePub files at this point to ever go back to physical books. Being able to read in the dark on my eReader while my wife is asleep is a gift, and then I just email the files to friends as needed.

The first book on offer is Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy.

Already read it? Feel free to let others know in the comments what you think. Have a book to share?

Another month, another 10thousand1 challenge.

With Memorial Day closing out May, some (ok, many) of us needed all 31 days to hit 10,001 seconds of plank holds (at least one of us finished with time on the clock, right Doron?). For June, it’s bicep curls - 10,001 of them - as this month’s challenge.

Seems impossible, right? That’s what we’ve said about almost every other challenge to date. Yet somehow, many of us find a way. You can learn more here, or just join us for June. You’ve got more than enough days to catch up.

We have some other things in the hopper, but that’s all for now. But before we go, why not bring a friend along next time?

1. Spoiler alert (and pardon the pun).

2. As an affiliate of Bookshop.org (read: they are not Amazon), project kathekon will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. You’ll also help a local independent bookstore in your community.