two big lies
and the truth about time
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Let’s start with some truth: we live in a time plagued by lies. We’ve become immune to the daily lies that politicians spew (in fairness, both sides are guilty, but only one can point and say “scoreboard”). We take as fact many things that companies ask us to believe, and even if we don’t believe them, we still buy what they’re selling (likely on Amazon, with free two-day shipping, lying to ourselves about - or at least willfully ignoring - the environmental consequences we’re encouraging). We say we’re fine when we’re anything but. And social media? Please.
And while they may seem small in comparison to the above - and to be fair, no one’s died because of them (at least to my knowledge) - there are two lies that every one of us has uttered multiple times that may collectively inflict more damage on ourselves, our community, and our society. It’s very likely that you’ve said at least one of them today, maybe even both of them, maybe even in the past hour.
We’re all guilty of it.
When your colleague asks you to do something for them at work, you say it. When your kid begs for your attention on their new LEGO build, you say it. When a call from your mom comes in, you say it, though likely just to yourself, and ignore that call. When asked what good books you’ve read lately, you respond with a derivation of it. When you tell yourself you will get up early and go for a run, your actions are your words after you hit the snooze for the fourth time.
I am too busy. I don’t have time.
To borrow part of a quote by Mark Twain, before he gets cancelled:
Or was it Benjamin Disraeli? Yes, let’s attribute it to him to be safe:
Lies, damned lies (and statistics. [Quick aside for some of those statistics: it’s been shown that 60% of adults lie within a single 10-minute conversation, 40% lie on their resume, and 90% lie on their online dating profile (let’s put a pin in “online dating” for a future newsletter)]).
It’s such an easy crutch to utter one of those falsehoods. They’re quick, just four words each (okay, one’s a contraction, and the other could be reduced to three with a contraction). They sound and feel like there is at least an element of truth to them - so much so that we may even believe it. But they’re lies, plain and simple. How do I know? Lived experience.
After partying like it was 19991, because it was, I headed off to college. What did that mean?
There were no more cross-country and track seasons. I stopped running cold turkey. I put on the freshman 50 (that is not a typo).
There was no more band in which to play saxophone or school plays in which to act. I had no creative outlet.
There were no more programs like Peer Advocates and Safe Rides. There was no connection to a bigger community.
There was no more slinging slaw at the Lenny & Joe’s Fish Tale or life guarding at the beach. I lacked what little purpose, other than school work, I had.
But freedom, my Flying Spaghetti Monster, did I have freedom. And that freedom continued through my twenties. Sure, I had all the time and the world. But I managed to do jack shit with it.
I didn’t exercise - I didn’t have time. I didn’t do anything creative - I was too busy. I didn’t cook for myself - why do that when I could go to brunch both Saturday and Sunday (60+ minutes each day - I would bring a book or magazine, but seriously, 8+ hours a month, brunching), ordered take-out or delivery 5 nights a week and bought an overpriced lunch (there was always a line in which to wait). And as I mentioned before, I gained weight. I wasn’t right in the head. I was accumulating more credit card debt. But worst of all, I was lying to myself.
But here’s where lived experience enters the narrative. I met my wife, we got married, which quickly doubled up our plans, dreams, and responsibilities. We had two kids, my responsibilities, multiplying with each. I traveled more for work making my time with my wife and kids even more precious. It was then that I realized I spent the last ten years confusing time with priority. When I said “I don’t have time” or “I am too busy” I was really saying “I don’t want to do this,” or “this isn’t important to me.”
This led to a few observations:
Scarcity heightens focus. It was during a conversation with my mom that she said, “you were always happiest, and did the best in school, when you were your busiest.” Idle hands being the devil’s workshop and all.
Ask yourself: While the scarcity and abundance of time changes with, well, time, what are some ways you can heighten your focus by compressing your time?
We make time for actions, people, passions and self-care that are important to us. When I started telling myself the truth, that I wasn’t prioritizing my health, I found the time to run. I eliminated time-sucks like social media. I greatly reduced TV time. I put the Robin Sharma’s The 5 AM Club2 into action and get a two hour vacation every morning filled with meditation, learning, reflection, and exercise.
Ask yourself: what do you want to make time for this morning, this evening, this week, this month, this year?
Being honest with myself meant being honest with others, too. While this one has been the toughest, being honest about why I couldn’t do something was painfully liberating. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time to do something, it just wasn’t something I prioritized. At the same time, instead of answering “I am too busy” to seemingly innocuous questions like “read any good books lately”, “did you get to the gym this weekend”, “did you hear the latest episode of Comedy Bang Bang”, “were you able to chaperone your kid’s field trip”, I was able to answer truthfully. I either prioritized those items and had ready answers or I answered honestly: that it either wasn’t a priority for me, but it should have been; or that I didn’t prioritize them, nor did I intend to, since it’s not important right now.
Ask yourself: Next time you’re asked one of those questions, will you have a plan to pause and reflect first before answering with honesty and integrity?
So there it is. If this was too long and you skipped ahead to here, this can best be summed up as follows:
Or: Prioritize things that matter - or say you’re busy, lying.
To close, in the spirit of being better than yesterday, I’m continuing to prioritize that which is important, gives me a sense of purpose, and allows me to support my family and community. First, I’m starting to cook. Sure, it’s just once a week, and yes, I have missed a few weeks but it’s a start (my one push-up, eh, BG?). And I actually like it (just don’t tell my wife). Please hold me accountable.
Second, there’s this. While I didn’t realize how desperately I needed it, starting project kathekon with BG has given me the type of creativity-boosting, community-building, purpose-driving outlet I seem to have been missing. But more on that later.
J
Batter up, slugger.
First, we want to hear from you. Drop us a note (handwritten is preferred); send us an email; invite a friend to read it; delete and ignore. Choose wisely.
Second, ask yourself honestly: when was the last time you confused time with priority because it was easier, yet far from the truth? Now, tell the rest of us in the comments. We’re waiting.
For those keeping track, this is the second Prince reference on project kathekon, and likely not the last.
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